Left Behind

I know this sounds cliche' but I feel that my life is stuck in neutral. I'm just sitting here in Santa Barbara spinning the wheels of my life and going nowhere. Take my best friends from graduate school for example; Heather is married, owns a house, and has an adorable puppy, and Laef is engaged and going to be married by summers end. In addition to those two my favorite co-workers from UCSB have all moved on to other positions. Even Heather and Laef have moved on to better jobs from when we all graduated. My best friend from undergraduate school is well on her way to becoming a great physician. And here I sit "blogging it out".

I'm sure some of you are thinking one; what are you talking about, and two; that Santa Barbara is not a bad place to be sitting in neutral. Partly you are right in that Santa Barbara is a beautiful place to live, but when you are not satisfied with what your daily life has become not even the landscape can change ones mind.

Ultimately, my unhappiness in my current situation is primarily caused by loneliness. The reason for my loneliness is also completely my own fault. I've always kept a part of my life secret from just about everyone and that wears on a person over the years. I'm getting to the point where I am tired of the secrecy and feeling like I have to have my guard up at all times. I have kept my work life and personal life separate ever since I got to Santa Barbara. In essence I live my life in two bubbles that very rarely touch and in fact I go to great lengths to keep them from drifting too close to each other.

What is wrong with me?

Although when I'm in my work bubble I have been able to develop positive relationships that enhance my work life I am reluctant to let them venture too far into my personal life. Okay so, my work life is good most days. The real problem lies in my personal life. Those of you who know me well know exactly what I am talking about and the reasons that I feel the way that I do. My problem is how do I correct this? What do I do to make this better? I'm at loss for words and a loss for answers I don't know what to do? I feel like my only option is to walk away from the career that I have gone to six years of school for, a profession that gave me the confidence to break out of a depression that had me thinking thoughts of suicide, and a world of sports and competition that I enjoy so much. If that is what I have to do to be happy in the other aspects of my life is that a trade I am willing to make? That is the answer that I currently don't know and am wrestling with.

I'm a man who lives a life of contradictions. I am a man who feels like he doesn't quite fit in anyplace and with no one. The internet has become my window to the world and my means of being social. How sad is that? I work in a job that requires a lot human interaction and then as soon as I get home I need the help of a keyboard, mouse, monitor, and an internet connection to feel connected to a community that I don't feel accepts me. It's like living in limbo and I have no idea right now how to make it better. Maybe if I wait long enough the answer will slap me in the face, or I'll finally get off my ass and actually do something about it. Only time will tell.

Thanks for listening!