"Rules of the Juke"

On my way to my parents house for Christmas I picked up a Portland Monthly magazine to read. This months feature was on great bars. Throughout the article there are these little sub topics like "Bar Basics", "How to Buy a Lady (or Gent) a Drink", "How to Drink Alone", and "Rules of the Juke". I thought the rules of the Juke are pretty funny and very valuable, so here you go:

Rule #1: "A jukebox is not about you. A jukebox implies a social contract that's unfashionable in today's earbud era, but still very real; you should not impose yourself. That vexing day you had at the office does not give you license to assault the pleasantly groggy happy-hour mood at say, the Red Fox with Sonics' raging early-'60s classic 'The Witch.'"

Rule #2: " Life is short. Edit well. Here again the juke rebels against the age of iTunes and Pandora. A good juke is defined by limits-it's someone else's library-and the average machine doles out just four songs for a dollar. So no "shuffle"
randomness allowed-i.e., do not attempt to transition from the Sonics' squally Northwest proto-punk to the slow burning Curtis Mayfield. This move desperately screams: Look at me! I have eclectic tastes!"

Rule #3: "You may choose one-and only one-long, wanky jazz track. Also applies to opera, classical, and anything you might describe as 'experimental.'"

Rule #4: If you go with a theme, have the courage of your convictions. Nothing's worse than, say, three songs from Sabbath Bloody Sabbath followed by Joni Mitchell. Repetition isn't good; coherence is."

Rule #5: "Jukes are demanding, but also forgiving. If you screw up your first four songs, the next four songs could save your reputation. Where else can you buy redemption for a dollar?"

Written by Zach Dundas
Portland Monthly
December 2010

Now you know.